Lucy, I'm home!

     I'm still within existence. Don't worry, as if anyone did. Anyways, been fighting the urge to cut, it's awful.
It's worse than quitting cigarettes, believe me that's hard too. Took myself off my meds, and I feel just fine. I don't feel any difference, except everything seems more clear, if you can understand that.

     Trust me taking myself off the meds is pretty rough too! Lover #1 and I had a quarrel, so we aren't currently communicating on any grounds, by any means at all.

     Came face to face with a stage 5 virgin clinger. And I kid you not, I hadn't even touched this dude, not even slipped him the look, or said I love you. When he's all fucking over me! His dumb ass knocked me off the couch, then dived on top of me. So after all that shit with him, I have a pissed off attitude towards dating, virgins, foot-rests, and the large knot/bruise on the back of my head.

     First day back to school went well. Surprisingly. And my ex was trying to smash faces with me. Mwahahaha, I fool all I want, Why??? Because I'm single! And I don't belong to anyone or their bullshit! Because half the time school and relationships DO NOT mix well. But I do have to admit, I am a lonely woman.

     Been sleeping on my mom's couch all summer like a bum. She HATES it. Oh well. Still having wacked out dreams. But meh.

     No one in the world is listening to me. And this blog is practically pointless, but I keep it anyways. Maybe someone out there does read this and can relate to this. So they don't feel alone. And if I ever do get lucky with one of my attempts, you know, they'll see something was wrong. And that my mom lied. You know, who I really was and shit.

    Sayonara(temporarily),
                              superanimay

Rant

     I grew up without father nor mother. In a broken down house, where drugs came first. Before the bills, before food, before me. I always wanted to be loved, to have a family, like on TV. Where everyone smiled, everyone laughed, where things were joyful.

     I always remember being a little off, different from the other kids. I sought after love though attention, always being the comedian, or through sexuality. My god sister and I were similar. We both shared our issues. We played games, acting out our little twisted fantasies. We never got the love or the attention we craved as most children do. We were lonely, confused, and lost in our heads. We grew up as sisters. My mother often ditched me at her place for days or months.

     As I aged, I grew more strange. I separated myself from other children, since they rejected me anyways. I was always explicit. I was often hateful. I didn't mean to be but it just came out. I was always bullied by other children and adults. It was normal for me, I just took it, and had a tendency to be called submissive or troubled. My clothes never fit because I either outgrew them or they were much too big. My mom's excuse was that I was continuously having growth spurts.

     By fifth grade I took up smoking, like my parents, and began popping pills in sixth. At age eleven I began self-mutilating on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. I stayed in my room all day drawing or listening to the radio with my TV on. The TV made me feel like I had company, with the talking in the background, since my parents were often too busy getting high and I was ostracized from having friends. At the age of twelve I was 5'5 and weighed seventy pounds at my worst, because I refused to eat and continued to abuse drugs. Often at times found myself hurling up stomach acid because I the rules were not to eat. I occasionally self-mutilated at earlier ages by hitting my head or biting myself, but I never really understood what it was until I was about twelve. By the end of the school year I was so weak I was unable to walk and often passed out at random. My mom after fighting with my step-dad repeatedly took me to the doctors, where they said I was dehydrated. I begged the doctor while standing on the scale not to mention my weight to my mom. And thank God she didn't.

     I hated myself, and promised myself to stop popping pills after I saw what the they were doing. I still had trouble with my weight, and my growth was stunted from the malnourishment. The cutting and such never stopped though. At thirteen I started dating a sixteen year old boy, who was a total ass. He often hit me and cussed me out since I refused to have any sexual contact with him. Once or twice I tried explaining to him my reasons and what was happening at home. But I never was able to spit it out. I wanted to call the cops on my parents so I could get out of there, but I never had the guts.

     Meanwhile ever since ten my step-dad did things to me. And I tried to tell Mama, but she told me to go away, because she was tired and she didn't give a fuck. The next night we went out to Charlie's Pizza, and I was so excited because we NEVER went out. Next thing I knew my step dad was cussing me out calling me a lying brat and a whore. Mama told him, she fucking betrayed me. I hated her so much. I trusted her.

     Things escalated from there. At home, with me, with everything. Suicide was a friend that I could trust. It was my only way out. And the attempts were common but secret. They never worked out, which made me even more determined. We ran away from my step dad when I was fourteen, two weeks before I turned fifteen. By then I was sleeping in my mom's room because he came in my room at night. It wasn't just the kitchen anymore. No where was safe.

     That December I had a meltdown and was taken to a mental hospital. I tried to tell them everything and my mom put on a crying show for the staff. Later on told me I was a liar, and that I was crazy.

     Since then I've had many run ins with the wrong kind of people, and am on heavy medication. I've been pregnant twice, and lost both of my children. I still battle my anorexia and my bulimia, along with my diagnosed mental disorders. I've spent quite a few years in and out of the hospital. Changing medications when my body develops a tolerance to the old ones. I'm still gaining labels from the doctors and continue with therapy to this day. I've been labeled with PTSD, Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, BPD (BS diagnosis which I don't have), ADD, and the shit keeps piling. I recently found out that I have fluid on the brain and a seizure disorder which my mother has been hiding from me. Which I haven't been receiving treatment for. Thanks to my mother.

     My life keeps cycling through the same shit. I'm still lonely. Which never fails to to lead to shitty decisions on my part. My prognosis is grim. I'll never be able to have a job, a family, be stable, or have lasting relationships with people. So I'm pretty much damned to be forever alone and a failure until I finally get lucky with one of my attempts... I'll die alone... I keep hurting myself, still have relapses with my eating disorders, still have panic attacks, the insomnia is relentless, and am shunned by most people for my past and my disorders. Not to mention how scarred my body is. I mean c'mon guys who wants damaged goods? I'm not even sure I know how to love... Maybe if I was different, people would like me? My mom would like me perhaps?  Those guys wouldn't have done all that shit? He wouldn't have died?! But it's all my bloody fault! Isn't it?!

     I just want to be loved. That's all I want. For someone to love and accept me. But I never get that! I just get fucked! Whether I want it or not! Then they leave me! It's not fucking fair! Goddamnit! I hate sleeping alone at night! I hate being alone! So far the only thing I've got to look forward to is the next time I get to see him!  I want someone to be there for me! No one understands! No one wants me! I try so damn hard... And I go unnoticed! No matter what I do it isn't good enough for anyone! I'm alone! I need a friend! Please!

   He's so wonderful... He's fucking awesome. I'll see him soon I know. As long as I can, I'll do my best to make him happy. He's kick ass man. I'm lucky to have him around. And I'm glad he came around the other day. I'll see him again soon...

     Sorry for ranting guys,
                                 superanimay    

Ello Ladies And Germs

     Well, phone problemo is fixed at the moment. Haha! We committed unto the deed once again. OHHH YEAH! Probably see him soon.

     Got in a fight with Brad today. He went bat-shit crazy and attacked my cat. And I told him to calm the fuck down and to cut that shit out. Pissed me off, man. Made me think of my step dad.

     Been really tired, lonely, depressed, yet strangely aroused O_o... Le lover is doing his job well at keeping me interested, no? But I wants mooooar! I has lots of cute little plans to make him smile...

     Yawn, six in the morning. Ugh! I don't to do anything but drink gallons of orange juice... and other juice too, I'm not picky. I lav juice! And yes the background was drawn, edited, and created by mwa! And it says,"Don't struggle like that or I will only want you more". But you can no sees... I sowwy... Don't hates me!

     I am so damn sleepy. I loathe sleep deprivation at times... Stupid insomnia... Awww well!

     Have fun all you well-rested people,
                                     superanimay

Le Phone

     His phone is fucked up... So I'm pretty much helpless in that area. I almost got to see him... But that didn't happen. I will see him soon though, I'm sure. Pweases :( ... Drew a pic of myself. I shall upload this to deviantart later... Rahahahaha!

     Boring disappointing day... But it shall get betta! Listening to Daemon by Whitechapel! Fuck yeah!

     Don't run with hedge trimmers,
                            superanimay

Hugs Perhaps?

      My mom is pissing me the fuck off. She won't leave me alone. She keeps harassing me, and yes, I mean that literally. She keeps bitching at me and I want to her to just disappear. Thank God she's gone...

     Luis came today... I'm not happy about it at all. He was begging for water, and I honestly felt bad, so I let him in for water. Biggest mistake EVER! He started up his emo pity party shit. Like creepy as fuck staring at me and telling me I'm not allowed to have anyone one else, he loves me, he wants to stay here with me, how bad my friends are, crying about how cruel I was to him, how he is just so innocent, that he's the victim, everyone is lying but him, etc etc. He kept getting WAY too close and trying to put his hands on me, I was like nooooooo dude. He kept speaking like a mad man, and I just felt horrible around him. I kept asking him to leave but he wouldn't. Then his mom came trying to get him to come home with her, she had been looking for him. He refused and went on to piss me off by denying everything he did to me, bitching and whining, and trying to relentlessly touch me. I lost it, crunched my can of Sprite, threw it and the chair I was sitting in. He kept going at it, followed me into the bathroom, I was screaming get away from me and telling him to get out of the house. I had a full blown panic attack, and fought to get my pills from him so I could calm down. He told me to kill him, then grabbed a bottle of seroquel, threatening to kill himself. I ripped the bottle out of his hands. He would not stop his bs! I told him to tell some other naive idiot his bullshit because it wouldn't work on me anymore. I screamed at him,"Or better, tell my kids that were miscarried your bullshit, like how you couldn't keep your dick out of me!". I lost it completely arguing with him, slapped him across the face, crying, then broke the sink by accident. I fell down when he left the room, and from then on I don't remember much but bits and pieces. I remember gagging and choking, falling again, shaking a lot, hearing voices talk to me, and being grabbed and put on the couch with the covers over my face. Then I laid there for a while idk how long. Then sat up and cried then Rodger came to help me.

     I'm pretty upset right now and lonely. I really am hoping to see Him soon... I miss him quite a bit.

            I lovid yous,
                         superanimay

Miss Me?

     Well, about a week ago was woken up at about 2 A.M. by Lover #2. He texted me and told me to come over which I couldn't because I had to be here in the morning because my mother wanted to go to church. So if she woke up and I wasn't here it would have been...

     Lol so he called me and was rather persistent... (which I enjoyed) And came to the conclusion that he should come over here. So, I waited for him outside with my buddy. He eventually called back asking for directions, gave him directions, then saw his adorable little drunken ass walking down the street like a lost puppy. Greeted him, and we all sat together outside. Lover #2 had the hiccups and I couldn't stop giggling at him. Then he was giving his "that's gay" philosophy(still hiccuping), by then I was hysterically laughing and my friend my trying not to but, he was rather unsuccessful. A few minutes later, friend went back in his house because he was passing out in the chair and le sexy man and I went inside to sit on the couch.

     It was preeeeeeetty awesome. Best I've ever had in a while. He's undefeated between the sheets in my book. Like a friggin' god. He's cool as fuck to be around, plus he can easily keep you laughing. Very good friend to have. And an even better lover. He's perfection really, in my opinion. He does EVERYTHING right in the bed, dude, no joke. Makes me melt...

     So anyways, I was an extremely happy woman. And then he fell asleep, tried to tell me that he wasn't sleepy and said he was just chilling out. Lol He was snoring in about five seconds. He got too hot so I turned up the a/c and I couldn't leave him alone XD. I had to keep messing with him every little while to kiss him or something. Woke him up to Om nom nom nom on his zipper XD. Hopefully he was happy.

     I just hope I see him again really soon. I needs lovins! And through a lovely string of events, confessions, and agreements, I have pledged my loyalties to him, he said he's keeping me, and consider him THE Lover ;). Although we aren't in a relationship, it's perfectly fine, I just hope we continue to have "visits" with one-another. Idk when I'll see him again though... But I know it'll be soon though. And I will be wonderfully relentless with my perversions...

     Have fun everyone!
                             ... I soon will >:}
     -superanimay

It's Fackin' Late

Dear anyone who has the patience to read my blog,

     Recently today was once again slapped in the face by life multiple times. Michael and Adriana still appear to be nonexistent. No calls, no texts, no answers, nor replies. The A/C unit next door still remains dormant, which means they aren't there. Not even an angry message finally explaining to me how the fuck I screwed up this time. Nothing. Adriana's phone seems to be out of service too. I checked by using my mom's phone, which confirmed that she didn't block my number. It's actually out of le service. Next I dialed Michael's number, and left a voice mail. Five seconds later, what do you know, he rings. Confusingly says hello, but I goofed up. I was talking in a creeper voice when I answered and then laughed hysterically when I recognized I sounded like a drag queen choking on jizz. Then, click, he hangs up. I called and left an apologetic voice mail, once again explaining the reason for bugging them.(Have some clothes for Adriana) Sent a text reading what was said in the second voice mail. Turned out I sent it to the wrong person... I sent it to Adriana, whose phone is currently unavailable. I deserve another dumbass award to add to my collection...

     Next on the agenda. My second little lover is also missing from my life. But it would look like he did text me a little while ago asking me who I was. Told him my name and sent him a picture. I then proceeded to ask if this was him. No answer. Hopefully he's okay and lost my number or something. Instead of having his phone stolen, being drunk, random person texting me. So hopefully, he's okay and we're okay. But I have a pretty good feeling he'll be back around pretty soon along with lover numbre uno. Whom still comes around every so often.

     Feeling pretty low. Bought some shit to cheer my stupid ass up. Worked a little. I'm really just lonesome. That's all. Well, that and insomnia. I just imagine I'm sleeping next someone or with more people. I honestly don't sleep well alone. I've always been like that since I was a baby, but it got additionally worse when I lived with my god-sister, since we always slept together. I hate being alone. I mean, I don't want to sleep with my mom though or Rodger. I'd be way happier with Adriana and Michael, or Shebly... God I miss her. You know? Like a close friend, someone that I favor. When I'm alone, I'm uncomfortable, I feel sick and upset, I'm restless, just a mess really. But when I'm sleeping with somebody(ies) I'm happy, content, and relaxed. I sleep well, I still have nightmares though(oh well, you can't have everything). Sadly though, pillows and resistant cats aren't the same. But combining them with imagination, music, sleeping pills, a full belly, and cosiness, it's okay for the most part as long as I don't think too hard and stay on the positive side of thinking.(Letting your mind race into bad thoughts and memories is no bueno)

     Well, I need to eat and sleep so I can be alive in the morning instead of the ever-so-irritable-menstrual-zombie. I'm done ranting for now. Cheers.


                                                      Thankies for readinz,
                                                      superanimay

Ex-Boyfriend Love

"why did you tell your ex that i raped you??

hmm?

he wanted to fight me till he saw me and realized i'd beat his ass like a drum

i know you can see what im saying to you it tells me that you've read it

whatever you druggie bitch go do meth and get fucked by beaners"

Lovely ex-boyfriend, no? Yep, sent me his love^^ over facebook. I'm rather upset by this and remembering his infamous history of being a douche-bag. He may look cute ladies, but he's a complete ass... I need to eat... Yuck, sauce-less pizza... Mazel tov everyone.

They won't let me sleep. Scratching on the walls all night. Tried to sit up, they hit me on the left side of my head. I texted a friend continuously begging for help. Result? Nothing. My head hurts, really, my entire body hurts. I've been pinned to the couch all night. Occasionally, they force me to the back of the couch on my side. Smells like something died. And that it decided to eat rotten eggs before it died. Lovely image, isn't it?

There's more. I have to go though. They said no more typing.

Empty

Oh lawd. I need you right now. You teased me goddammit! You evil man! Agh! Men, you are evil things... One minute you're all like,"You're so beautiful, I love you! You're so funny, I never thought I'd meet someone like you!" And Blah blah blah blah, I'ma touch yo boobies, blah blah sexy time, blah blee blah blooooooo, cuddle the rest of the night with occasional sexy time, blah blah play with your hair and speak lovies, etc. Oh gosh-frackin-mashed-potatoes, THEN you do the rubbing of the noses thingy! And you nibble on our ears! If that's not enough, you hug and hold us! You make us giggle until we can't breathe! Worst yet, we unwantingly fall in love with you! I hate that, and we think you feel the same or we're confused about how you feel. We hope that you feel the same, awwww hell, ya he does, remember last night! You were romantic and breathtaking. You were the best we'd ever have. We love you! We ADORE you, so much, all we think about is you. We get those butterflies and the idiotic-school-girl giggles!

Then, lalalalala, BOOM!!! You're gone... You never loved me, not one bit. I was stupid... What was I thinking? I've been through this before! More than once... And, it would appear that I obviously learned nothing. Otherwise, I wouldn't be crying and refusing to eat. I wouldn't feel like a whore. Not just a whore, but a brainless whore. A whore that could be outsmarted, and lose to dirt when playing Candyland. How do you lose at Candyland!? It requires no mental capacity what so ever! Just GAAAAH! ... But another thing is, will last night ever happen again? I mean, I know it was wrong but, you said it yourself, it felt so right. So, why couldn't we continue to play the game? I mean, if you want we can. That would be SO much better than living with you being just a memory. I had fun, and I want to live that night forever. But what happens if another one of you oh-so-lovable men come along while I'm having a fuss with the first? Would it be wrong for my heart to seemingly grow for him too?

But wait, I'm not supposed to love you... Now I'm back to square one. And what if you get your feelings hurt. It may serve you right for how you hurt me, but I can't do it... Not intentionally anyways, I want him too for a new close lover. Not just as a lover, but as a best friend just like you are. Now, I'm selfish. But it feels right! What the hell am I doing?! One of you will find out and I'll be even more of a whore to you! I haven't done it yet, but I want to. Besides, you said you only wanted one girl. You said you'd lay everything down for her, and let's face it Babe, she's not me. So, why do I have to play nicely? I'm nothing to you really. Just a blow-up doll. Nothing more. I'll be surprised if you can honestly call me friend.

There is another one of you though. He came before you, and regretted me, pushed me away. He broke me. And I had no right to feel hurt and betrayed. Because why? Because a heart already owned him. He has a family on the way. And what was I, you ask? A home-wrecker. Honey, it took two to tango. But you put all the shame on me! You came and took what you wanted, and I let you, repeatedly! Every single time, you pushed me away when you finished and looked at me with eyes filled with hate and regret. I'm your mistake now. Never a love... Just a nasty slut, a nasty, dirty MISTAKE. Hell, you'll never forget me, Baby. And I know this, but not because I'm telling myself that. I know. I don't want you to be that way. But, you proved it to me, Babe. You wanted me, and took me after you swore no more! Now, I'm added to, not just a nasty mistake anymore but a dirty little secret. Yet, I still wonder, almost hope, that you'll come back for more. I know you will. You always do. I always take you back though, with open arms. I always kiss you hello, I love you. Unwillingly. I want to be your best friend. I still love you even though, you hurt me. So much. I almost died for you, twice... Still, each time after, I ran back to you. All I thought about was you. I tried to replace you, forget about you. Erase the feelings, those nights, with you. Hello there, stranger.

I'm leaving a trail of lovers, men that I'd never figure to grab a hold of in my wildest dreams. I love it, being their lover as long as I can. Playing with their hair, nibbling their beards, and sharing secrets all night long. Feeling complete one man at a time. I think I might be building myself up, or setting a path to my own downfall. Either way, I'm going to change. For better or for worse, but I will change in the end. Right now, I found another one to add to my little love triangle.

I'm not trying to hurt any of them! I'm just lonely. And for once in my life, I'm loved. I feel amazing because of them. I hope they do too! Maybe, just maybe, one might keep me. I'll have someone to call my own. Someone I can look at and feel like I'm dreaming and I never want to wake up. Until then, I don't know. It's this or cutting. I refuse to fall back into depression! Fuck that shit! I'd rather feel that temporary grip on heaven. At least then I won't hear razors screaming at me. I'll love a man sooner than a razor. But I'll trust a razor sooner than a man. Funny isn't it...

Scars

Do I feel embarrassed because of my scars? "No, not at all", I'll tell you. That's a lie. I'm ashamed of them. They aren't pretty, they aren't a testimony, neither are they some kind of trophy that I can wear with pride to show you how tough I am. They are a weakness, they scare people that I love away, and they bury me with painful memories. Yes, they remind me of the things that I've lived through, but they never make me feel like I'm a survivor. Looking at them hurts, and they just initiate replays of the shame associated with each one and how they came into being. With each glance I regret my life and I know somehow I could have prevented all the suffering connected to me. Yes, they mock me, they laugh in my face, but I'm not going to cover them up. So, stare all you want, because I'm not hiding them, I'm not going to give in and let them rule over my life. I never asked for you to look, so don't act disgusted. Don't give me bullshit because you're appalled by my appearance, I'm not an attention whore. You probably are though, with the fit you throw. Not to be rude Sweetie, but you are the one causing a scene not me. And frankly, your kids aren't scared or upset, that's you. So, grow up, because you're the one who should be kept away from people, not me.

I Am Broken

     I feel like a mistake. I'm getting my depression pills changed from Celexa to Prozac. The reason why is that I'm having OCD symptoms and Prozac is supposed to help with that. The Doctor said it might be a tough switch, so my mom will have to watch me.(They're afraid I might become suicidal, little do they know) My room smells like nickles because my fingers and toes are bleeding. I grabbed a razor and carved off the tips and the cuticles. I bled all over my ugly pink pillow.

     I'm hearing voices, saying,"Soft and furless". I cut off all my nails so I can't scratch myself anymore. It feels awful. I hate this feeling. I was going to smoke today after school, but that was canceled. I was going to have a romantic afternoon with my boyfriend. Instead he got a blowjob and a quickie so he could cum, on my face... twice... FML

     I hate my fucking life. I hate it! I fucking loathe it into the depths of the earth! I have no one. I am nothing. I am but a useless piece of trash.