Empty

Oh lawd. I need you right now. You teased me goddammit! You evil man! Agh! Men, you are evil things... One minute you're all like,"You're so beautiful, I love you! You're so funny, I never thought I'd meet someone like you!" And Blah blah blah blah, I'ma touch yo boobies, blah blah sexy time, blah blee blah blooooooo, cuddle the rest of the night with occasional sexy time, blah blah play with your hair and speak lovies, etc. Oh gosh-frackin-mashed-potatoes, THEN you do the rubbing of the noses thingy! And you nibble on our ears! If that's not enough, you hug and hold us! You make us giggle until we can't breathe! Worst yet, we unwantingly fall in love with you! I hate that, and we think you feel the same or we're confused about how you feel. We hope that you feel the same, awwww hell, ya he does, remember last night! You were romantic and breathtaking. You were the best we'd ever have. We love you! We ADORE you, so much, all we think about is you. We get those butterflies and the idiotic-school-girl giggles!

Then, lalalalala, BOOM!!! You're gone... You never loved me, not one bit. I was stupid... What was I thinking? I've been through this before! More than once... And, it would appear that I obviously learned nothing. Otherwise, I wouldn't be crying and refusing to eat. I wouldn't feel like a whore. Not just a whore, but a brainless whore. A whore that could be outsmarted, and lose to dirt when playing Candyland. How do you lose at Candyland!? It requires no mental capacity what so ever! Just GAAAAH! ... But another thing is, will last night ever happen again? I mean, I know it was wrong but, you said it yourself, it felt so right. So, why couldn't we continue to play the game? I mean, if you want we can. That would be SO much better than living with you being just a memory. I had fun, and I want to live that night forever. But what happens if another one of you oh-so-lovable men come along while I'm having a fuss with the first? Would it be wrong for my heart to seemingly grow for him too?

But wait, I'm not supposed to love you... Now I'm back to square one. And what if you get your feelings hurt. It may serve you right for how you hurt me, but I can't do it... Not intentionally anyways, I want him too for a new close lover. Not just as a lover, but as a best friend just like you are. Now, I'm selfish. But it feels right! What the hell am I doing?! One of you will find out and I'll be even more of a whore to you! I haven't done it yet, but I want to. Besides, you said you only wanted one girl. You said you'd lay everything down for her, and let's face it Babe, she's not me. So, why do I have to play nicely? I'm nothing to you really. Just a blow-up doll. Nothing more. I'll be surprised if you can honestly call me friend.

There is another one of you though. He came before you, and regretted me, pushed me away. He broke me. And I had no right to feel hurt and betrayed. Because why? Because a heart already owned him. He has a family on the way. And what was I, you ask? A home-wrecker. Honey, it took two to tango. But you put all the shame on me! You came and took what you wanted, and I let you, repeatedly! Every single time, you pushed me away when you finished and looked at me with eyes filled with hate and regret. I'm your mistake now. Never a love... Just a nasty slut, a nasty, dirty MISTAKE. Hell, you'll never forget me, Baby. And I know this, but not because I'm telling myself that. I know. I don't want you to be that way. But, you proved it to me, Babe. You wanted me, and took me after you swore no more! Now, I'm added to, not just a nasty mistake anymore but a dirty little secret. Yet, I still wonder, almost hope, that you'll come back for more. I know you will. You always do. I always take you back though, with open arms. I always kiss you hello, I love you. Unwillingly. I want to be your best friend. I still love you even though, you hurt me. So much. I almost died for you, twice... Still, each time after, I ran back to you. All I thought about was you. I tried to replace you, forget about you. Erase the feelings, those nights, with you. Hello there, stranger.

I'm leaving a trail of lovers, men that I'd never figure to grab a hold of in my wildest dreams. I love it, being their lover as long as I can. Playing with their hair, nibbling their beards, and sharing secrets all night long. Feeling complete one man at a time. I think I might be building myself up, or setting a path to my own downfall. Either way, I'm going to change. For better or for worse, but I will change in the end. Right now, I found another one to add to my little love triangle.

I'm not trying to hurt any of them! I'm just lonely. And for once in my life, I'm loved. I feel amazing because of them. I hope they do too! Maybe, just maybe, one might keep me. I'll have someone to call my own. Someone I can look at and feel like I'm dreaming and I never want to wake up. Until then, I don't know. It's this or cutting. I refuse to fall back into depression! Fuck that shit! I'd rather feel that temporary grip on heaven. At least then I won't hear razors screaming at me. I'll love a man sooner than a razor. But I'll trust a razor sooner than a man. Funny isn't it...

Scars

Do I feel embarrassed because of my scars? "No, not at all", I'll tell you. That's a lie. I'm ashamed of them. They aren't pretty, they aren't a testimony, neither are they some kind of trophy that I can wear with pride to show you how tough I am. They are a weakness, they scare people that I love away, and they bury me with painful memories. Yes, they remind me of the things that I've lived through, but they never make me feel like I'm a survivor. Looking at them hurts, and they just initiate replays of the shame associated with each one and how they came into being. With each glance I regret my life and I know somehow I could have prevented all the suffering connected to me. Yes, they mock me, they laugh in my face, but I'm not going to cover them up. So, stare all you want, because I'm not hiding them, I'm not going to give in and let them rule over my life. I never asked for you to look, so don't act disgusted. Don't give me bullshit because you're appalled by my appearance, I'm not an attention whore. You probably are though, with the fit you throw. Not to be rude Sweetie, but you are the one causing a scene not me. And frankly, your kids aren't scared or upset, that's you. So, grow up, because you're the one who should be kept away from people, not me.