I Feel So Alone

     Ever have one of those moments when you just want to cry, but you can't? Well, I'm having one right now. My boyfriend is in nonexistent mode at the moment. Which is oh, so lovely(sarcasm).

     Okay, so I've officially lost all my friends. I have no one to hang out with, no one to walk in the halls with or spend the night at their house. No one to paint each others nails with, no one to share secrets with, not even some one to say hi to me. I just feel so lonely. I'm constantly getting bullied at school. I mean seriously, what did I do to deserve this?! I am emotionally drained and it's painful. My life is like one of those bad dreams where you can't wake up even though you're screaming at the top of your lungs, "WAKE UP!". I'm in high school without friends. I'm getting beaten up to the point of being put in the emergency room and still getting suspended even though I NEVER touched the person. Everyone hates me... it hurts. I never did anything to anyone. Never. I thought this only happened to brats or assholes? I'm not talking. I'm not eating hardly. I think I'm getting dehydrated. I'm ashamed to be seen by people. I've picked holes in my skin and I'm covered in scars... I cut off all my hair when I ran away from home, so I look like a boy. I feel disgusting.

     I'm still with Luis. Thank God. Almost eight months now. It's all I've got left. I just want to die with Luis and go to a world just for him and me. With no worries, no sadness, nothing bad. Just he and I in love forever.

I Was Lucky... To An Extent

First time something like that happened was when I was about 12. I used to clean the kitchen after supper. And he would always come in there and I didn't like the things he said or the ways he touched me, but I was too scared and confused to tell anyone. I wanted to tell Mama but I couldn't. It was over two weeks before I turned 14... We left, but no one knew until December... I spilled the beans... I gave a generalized explanation of what happened to the best of capability. I told the social worker and Mama. Mama didn't believe me. And it hurt... It hurt a lot. Mama never believed until about a month ago... It took her 2 and a half years to accept it. I've never told anyone the exact happenings. Maybe because I tried to wipe it from my memory. Sometimes I doubt myself and think it was just a dream. But I know it wasn't. He never succeeded at raping me, his alcoholism caused him to be unable to get an erection.

During my 13th summer I went to camp as usual. I was lonely and I wanted a friend. I really just wanted a hug. And to sleep on somebody's lap. I found someone. I had grown up with him. He was older. He must of gotten the wrong idea. I think he was 18. I can't remember. On the way back though I was trying to sleep. When I felt a hand slide down my pants and began to rub on my hip and butt. The hand then went to slide down to my inner thigh. I immediately woke up and realized something was happening. There was other people in the van besides us. But it was dark and somewhere around midnight. No one noticed. I sat up immediately and kicked my way to the wall and huddled against it, staring at him scared and bewildered. He stared back at me. Why? Why him too? I just wanted a friend. Not sexual assault. I was scared and terrified. I told my friend and begged her not to tell. I spent the night at her house with the lights on. She didn't know about what my step dad was doing. She never told.

It happened again last school year. Repeatedly. I wanted some attention, just a little affection. I thought I knew what I wanted and what I was getting into. I didn't. My dumb curious ass was Fucking wrong. And I'm an idiot for it. First time it happened in the Plato Lab in the basement. It started with some nice words and I was enticed. I'm so stupid. When he slung it out I knew something was about to go down. He pulled up my shirt and dropped his pants. I wanted to scream. I could only think about my step dad and then summer camp. It was about to happen again. Only this time I knew I wasn't gonna get lucky. No one was around. His dick worked as I could tell. He grabbed me and flipped me over, making me bend over the desk. He started rubbing on me with his dick. I knew he was going to do it. He was going to go in. And I said no! No! I told him not to. I panted his name begging not to. But that's when the senior walked in turning on the lights. She saw and I thanked God underneath my breath. And pulled my pants up. I ran out of the room and tried to play it cool. But this is where I got even more stupid. I went back. Yep. I went back. I was trying to I guess forget and try for love. I guess I thought he actually wanted me. I thought I had just over reacted. Nope. He told me over Facebook he didn't. Nope. I was just a tool. But when I went back we later left school and he dragged me to the woods by school. Where the sewer tunnel was. We sat on top of it and I told him I wasn't going down to ground because we were too high up and way down was thin and steep(I'm severely scared of heights). Well he started touching me and saying nice things. And then he kissed me. But then he asked the question,"You wanna fuck?" I said no with a straight face. He kept asking and prodding at me. I said no. He tried to touch me more and I said no and that I had to go to Chelsea's. He didn't listen even when I repeated myself. And I told him she'd be worrying about me. He didn't care. He then grabbed me by my legs and pulled me down, out of view of the road or any passing cars. I screamed. And he started to climb on top of me, feeling up on me. I kicked and screamed and ran away. He followed me and acted like nothing happened and I tried to play it cool again. I got to Chelsea's and told her what happened. She was upset and worried. It happened again. And one day I went down to the basement and his friend was also there. I ended up on the ground on my back with his friend groping me. And him, he was down at my legs. I finally realized what was happening and I understood I was stupid. I just wanted affection. Not like I got it anywhere else. I was scared and I knew no one would believe me. They were seniors and well respected and popular. Me? I was crazy devil worshiping girl and that was bullied on a regular basis. Besides I'm one little freshman. They never listened to me. Why would they believe me? I mean seriously, No one believed me when I told them what my step dad did. How would this be any different? And explaining it would just sound like I liked it. I didn't. I was in denial. Plain and simple. I didn't believe it. Besides this had become a way of life for me, letting men having their way with me. I felt like a slut. My God! I just wanted some love! I never had that! I was alone in life. No one had ever been permanent. And I was alone with my problems. I was too scared to take action but I wanted help. And when I could talk about it, it would come out with sobs and flash backs which led to suicide attempts. No one understood. I felt like couldn't tell anyone. When I did, I got scared. I was afraid I'd get punished for telling. I saw him again in August and he tried his shit again. I pushed him away and it was the middle of the night and we were all alone. No one would hear me scream most likely. I was running away so I was pissed off already. I yelled at him and told him to fuck off. I wasn't taking his shit anymore. I walked off and he tried pinning me up against the wall. I could smell the alcohol on him, It reminded me of my step dad who had recently passed. I pushed him away and left but he insisted that he come along and "keep me safe". Bull. I would have been fine. Whatever though. My point is that I've been assaulted and molested more than once. And I'm not lying. It's really hard for me to write this. I was only able to do it because I know no one reads this and because I have to write it down to remind myself it happened and it was not a dream. I can't go into detail. Nor did I mention everything done. It's too much. And some I've just blocked out I guess. There's gaps. Mama doesn't even know about the last time. I can't talk about it. It's upsetting me. Therapist figured out which anxiety disorder I have now, Post-traumatic stress disorder... Would explain the panic attacks and my scabbed up bloody scalp... Fuck me... But I guess I was lucky... To an extent...

Arizona Lemon Tea

That's what I'm sipping right now. This crap is awesome.

Today was good but I failed. Majorly. First day of school. It was okay. I like it so far. Probably going to get in my ex's face tomorrow, just to cut him down, so he'll leave me and my friends(the very few I have) alone. Meh... Never in the back door kids. You'll be crying like a drowning baby. Painful? YES. Turn on? NOOOOOO!!! Most wretched thing in the world. Porn stars like it you say? Nope, they don't. They just like the money.

But I did get to be exposed we'll say to absolute just squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hehehehe I love him... Alot... Best part? He's all mine and I'm all his... Forever -victory dances-

I love him... so much... 

And then there was none

I'm lost please find me. I think I am. My head hurts and I keep ripping my nail off my thumb. I don't like it there, it makes me think of Autumn. I keep getting mad. Real mad. It's like I just don't care anymore. I'm cold and apathetic to everyone and everything. I want to see people get hurt. But I don't want to hurt some people. I want to hurt them. I feel bad. My head is so grey and foggy. I miss Luis. I feel normal and clear and calm when he's around. I need him. I want him. I don't like the voices. I can't tell anyone though. I have to keep quiet, or they'll send me away again cause they don't understand. They don't see them. That makes me sad. But I feel proud. Why? Because they chose me. They chose me and no one else. Because they picked me when I was little. They wanted to be MY friend. All mine. But they get mean and they hit me. I don't always understand why but I'm not supposed to, that's what Susan told me. They hurt me. And I cry and I get told to shut up. My friends hurt me. They didn't use to. But they got mean over the years. And quite a bit worse abruptly I think. But I'm not sure. I miss Luis. He keeps me safe. They're fucking with me again. Make them stop it. I'm getting upset. I don't like them. They scare me. Make them stop. Help me. But none of you can help me. None of you. I just want Luis. I don't want them to hurt Luis. They told me they're gonna. I begged them no. And they didn't touch him yet. Maybe they won't since I begged. My head is heavy. And it's all bruised up. And it bleeds sometimes, cause they hit me and pull my hair really hard. I throw up sometimes cause they punch me in the stomach and I smell bad things. And I see real bad things too, very bad things. They told me to carve Moma up like a turkey one day. But I don't want to. I ran away cause things get bad and I need Luis so I can breathe and sleep and be okay. I need to sleep but I can't. I'm too scared. I don't like this. But Luis is asleep and he can't help me anyways cause I scare him. I don't want to scare him. I want to make him happy and keep him safe. I'm confused about my location. Like where I am. Am I asleep? Or am I awake? I hear them. Always. No medicine can help me. I need Luis and I'll be okay. I'm not crazy. It's these damn pills and these demons. I hate this. I wanna see Luis. Please let me see Luis.

So this is my Blog.

Well hello and thank you for reading this little post here. This blog is just going to be me blogging about my day or week or whatever I freaking feel like... Frickin Frackin...
Blah... I'll introduce myself in the morning. But now... I'm to tired to do anything so bleh...

Kawaii food and bunnehs make everything better, wouldn't you say so?