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Oh lawd. I need you right now. You teased me goddammit! You evil man! Agh! Men, you are evil things... One minute you're all like,"You're so beautiful, I love you! You're so funny, I never thought I'd meet someone like you!" And Blah blah blah blah, I'ma touch yo boobies, blah blah sexy time, blah blee blah blooooooo, cuddle the rest of the night with occasional sexy time, blah blah play with your hair and speak lovies, etc. Oh gosh-frackin-mashed-potatoes, THEN you do the rubbing of the noses thingy! And you nibble on our ears! If that's not enough, you hug and hold us! You make us giggle until we can't breathe! Worst yet, we unwantingly fall in love with you! I hate that, and we think you feel the same or we're confused about how you feel. We hope that you feel the same, awwww hell, ya he does, remember last night! You were romantic and breathtaking. You were the best we'd ever have. We love you! We ADORE you, so much, all we think about is you. We get those butterflies and the idiotic-school-girl giggles!

Then, lalalalala, BOOM!!! You're gone... You never loved me, not one bit. I was stupid... What was I thinking? I've been through this before! More than once... And, it would appear that I obviously learned nothing. Otherwise, I wouldn't be crying and refusing to eat. I wouldn't feel like a whore. Not just a whore, but a brainless whore. A whore that could be outsmarted, and lose to dirt when playing Candyland. How do you lose at Candyland!? It requires no mental capacity what so ever! Just GAAAAH! ... But another thing is, will last night ever happen again? I mean, I know it was wrong but, you said it yourself, it felt so right. So, why couldn't we continue to play the game? I mean, if you want we can. That would be SO much better than living with you being just a memory. I had fun, and I want to live that night forever. But what happens if another one of you oh-so-lovable men come along while I'm having a fuss with the first? Would it be wrong for my heart to seemingly grow for him too?

But wait, I'm not supposed to love you... Now I'm back to square one. And what if you get your feelings hurt. It may serve you right for how you hurt me, but I can't do it... Not intentionally anyways, I want him too for a new close lover. Not just as a lover, but as a best friend just like you are. Now, I'm selfish. But it feels right! What the hell am I doing?! One of you will find out and I'll be even more of a whore to you! I haven't done it yet, but I want to. Besides, you said you only wanted one girl. You said you'd lay everything down for her, and let's face it Babe, she's not me. So, why do I have to play nicely? I'm nothing to you really. Just a blow-up doll. Nothing more. I'll be surprised if you can honestly call me friend.

There is another one of you though. He came before you, and regretted me, pushed me away. He broke me. And I had no right to feel hurt and betrayed. Because why? Because a heart already owned him. He has a family on the way. And what was I, you ask? A home-wrecker. Honey, it took two to tango. But you put all the shame on me! You came and took what you wanted, and I let you, repeatedly! Every single time, you pushed me away when you finished and looked at me with eyes filled with hate and regret. I'm your mistake now. Never a love... Just a nasty slut, a nasty, dirty MISTAKE. Hell, you'll never forget me, Baby. And I know this, but not because I'm telling myself that. I know. I don't want you to be that way. But, you proved it to me, Babe. You wanted me, and took me after you swore no more! Now, I'm added to, not just a nasty mistake anymore but a dirty little secret. Yet, I still wonder, almost hope, that you'll come back for more. I know you will. You always do. I always take you back though, with open arms. I always kiss you hello, I love you. Unwillingly. I want to be your best friend. I still love you even though, you hurt me. So much. I almost died for you, twice... Still, each time after, I ran back to you. All I thought about was you. I tried to replace you, forget about you. Erase the feelings, those nights, with you. Hello there, stranger.

I'm leaving a trail of lovers, men that I'd never figure to grab a hold of in my wildest dreams. I love it, being their lover as long as I can. Playing with their hair, nibbling their beards, and sharing secrets all night long. Feeling complete one man at a time. I think I might be building myself up, or setting a path to my own downfall. Either way, I'm going to change. For better or for worse, but I will change in the end. Right now, I found another one to add to my little love triangle.

I'm not trying to hurt any of them! I'm just lonely. And for once in my life, I'm loved. I feel amazing because of them. I hope they do too! Maybe, just maybe, one might keep me. I'll have someone to call my own. Someone I can look at and feel like I'm dreaming and I never want to wake up. Until then, I don't know. It's this or cutting. I refuse to fall back into depression! Fuck that shit! I'd rather feel that temporary grip on heaven. At least then I won't hear razors screaming at me. I'll love a man sooner than a razor. But I'll trust a razor sooner than a man. Funny isn't it...

Scars

Do I feel embarrassed because of my scars? "No, not at all", I'll tell you. That's a lie. I'm ashamed of them. They aren't pretty, they aren't a testimony, neither are they some kind of trophy that I can wear with pride to show you how tough I am. They are a weakness, they scare people that I love away, and they bury me with painful memories. Yes, they remind me of the things that I've lived through, but they never make me feel like I'm a survivor. Looking at them hurts, and they just initiate replays of the shame associated with each one and how they came into being. With each glance I regret my life and I know somehow I could have prevented all the suffering connected to me. Yes, they mock me, they laugh in my face, but I'm not going to cover them up. So, stare all you want, because I'm not hiding them, I'm not going to give in and let them rule over my life. I never asked for you to look, so don't act disgusted. Don't give me bullshit because you're appalled by my appearance, I'm not an attention whore. You probably are though, with the fit you throw. Not to be rude Sweetie, but you are the one causing a scene not me. And frankly, your kids aren't scared or upset, that's you. So, grow up, because you're the one who should be kept away from people, not me.

I Am Broken

     I feel like a mistake. I'm getting my depression pills changed from Celexa to Prozac. The reason why is that I'm having OCD symptoms and Prozac is supposed to help with that. The Doctor said it might be a tough switch, so my mom will have to watch me.(They're afraid I might become suicidal, little do they know) My room smells like nickles because my fingers and toes are bleeding. I grabbed a razor and carved off the tips and the cuticles. I bled all over my ugly pink pillow.

     I'm hearing voices, saying,"Soft and furless". I cut off all my nails so I can't scratch myself anymore. It feels awful. I hate this feeling. I was going to smoke today after school, but that was canceled. I was going to have a romantic afternoon with my boyfriend. Instead he got a blowjob and a quickie so he could cum, on my face... twice... FML

     I hate my fucking life. I hate it! I fucking loathe it into the depths of the earth! I have no one. I am nothing. I am but a useless piece of trash. 

I Feel So Alone

     Ever have one of those moments when you just want to cry, but you can't? Well, I'm having one right now. My boyfriend is in nonexistent mode at the moment. Which is oh, so lovely(sarcasm).

     Okay, so I've officially lost all my friends. I have no one to hang out with, no one to walk in the halls with or spend the night at their house. No one to paint each others nails with, no one to share secrets with, not even some one to say hi to me. I just feel so lonely. I'm constantly getting bullied at school. I mean seriously, what did I do to deserve this?! I am emotionally drained and it's painful. My life is like one of those bad dreams where you can't wake up even though you're screaming at the top of your lungs, "WAKE UP!". I'm in high school without friends. I'm getting beaten up to the point of being put in the emergency room and still getting suspended even though I NEVER touched the person. Everyone hates me... it hurts. I never did anything to anyone. Never. I thought this only happened to brats or assholes? I'm not talking. I'm not eating hardly. I think I'm getting dehydrated. I'm ashamed to be seen by people. I've picked holes in my skin and I'm covered in scars... I cut off all my hair when I ran away from home, so I look like a boy. I feel disgusting.

     I'm still with Luis. Thank God. Almost eight months now. It's all I've got left. I just want to die with Luis and go to a world just for him and me. With no worries, no sadness, nothing bad. Just he and I in love forever.

I Was Lucky... To An Extent

First time something like that happened was when I was about 12. I used to clean the kitchen after supper. And he would always come in there and I didn't like the things he said or the ways he touched me, but I was too scared and confused to tell anyone. I wanted to tell Mama but I couldn't. It was over two weeks before I turned 14... We left, but no one knew until December... I spilled the beans... I gave a generalized explanation of what happened to the best of capability. I told the social worker and Mama. Mama didn't believe me. And it hurt... It hurt a lot. Mama never believed until about a month ago... It took her 2 and a half years to accept it. I've never told anyone the exact happenings. Maybe because I tried to wipe it from my memory. Sometimes I doubt myself and think it was just a dream. But I know it wasn't. He never succeeded at raping me, his alcoholism caused him to be unable to get an erection.

During my 13th summer I went to camp as usual. I was lonely and I wanted a friend. I really just wanted a hug. And to sleep on somebody's lap. I found someone. I had grown up with him. He was older. He must of gotten the wrong idea. I think he was 18. I can't remember. On the way back though I was trying to sleep. When I felt a hand slide down my pants and began to rub on my hip and butt. The hand then went to slide down to my inner thigh. I immediately woke up and realized something was happening. There was other people in the van besides us. But it was dark and somewhere around midnight. No one noticed. I sat up immediately and kicked my way to the wall and huddled against it, staring at him scared and bewildered. He stared back at me. Why? Why him too? I just wanted a friend. Not sexual assault. I was scared and terrified. I told my friend and begged her not to tell. I spent the night at her house with the lights on. She didn't know about what my step dad was doing. She never told.

It happened again last school year. Repeatedly. I wanted some attention, just a little affection. I thought I knew what I wanted and what I was getting into. I didn't. My dumb curious ass was Fucking wrong. And I'm an idiot for it. First time it happened in the Plato Lab in the basement. It started with some nice words and I was enticed. I'm so stupid. When he slung it out I knew something was about to go down. He pulled up my shirt and dropped his pants. I wanted to scream. I could only think about my step dad and then summer camp. It was about to happen again. Only this time I knew I wasn't gonna get lucky. No one was around. His dick worked as I could tell. He grabbed me and flipped me over, making me bend over the desk. He started rubbing on me with his dick. I knew he was going to do it. He was going to go in. And I said no! No! I told him not to. I panted his name begging not to. But that's when the senior walked in turning on the lights. She saw and I thanked God underneath my breath. And pulled my pants up. I ran out of the room and tried to play it cool. But this is where I got even more stupid. I went back. Yep. I went back. I was trying to I guess forget and try for love. I guess I thought he actually wanted me. I thought I had just over reacted. Nope. He told me over Facebook he didn't. Nope. I was just a tool. But when I went back we later left school and he dragged me to the woods by school. Where the sewer tunnel was. We sat on top of it and I told him I wasn't going down to ground because we were too high up and way down was thin and steep(I'm severely scared of heights). Well he started touching me and saying nice things. And then he kissed me. But then he asked the question,"You wanna fuck?" I said no with a straight face. He kept asking and prodding at me. I said no. He tried to touch me more and I said no and that I had to go to Chelsea's. He didn't listen even when I repeated myself. And I told him she'd be worrying about me. He didn't care. He then grabbed me by my legs and pulled me down, out of view of the road or any passing cars. I screamed. And he started to climb on top of me, feeling up on me. I kicked and screamed and ran away. He followed me and acted like nothing happened and I tried to play it cool again. I got to Chelsea's and told her what happened. She was upset and worried. It happened again. And one day I went down to the basement and his friend was also there. I ended up on the ground on my back with his friend groping me. And him, he was down at my legs. I finally realized what was happening and I understood I was stupid. I just wanted affection. Not like I got it anywhere else. I was scared and I knew no one would believe me. They were seniors and well respected and popular. Me? I was crazy devil worshiping girl and that was bullied on a regular basis. Besides I'm one little freshman. They never listened to me. Why would they believe me? I mean seriously, No one believed me when I told them what my step dad did. How would this be any different? And explaining it would just sound like I liked it. I didn't. I was in denial. Plain and simple. I didn't believe it. Besides this had become a way of life for me, letting men having their way with me. I felt like a slut. My God! I just wanted some love! I never had that! I was alone in life. No one had ever been permanent. And I was alone with my problems. I was too scared to take action but I wanted help. And when I could talk about it, it would come out with sobs and flash backs which led to suicide attempts. No one understood. I felt like couldn't tell anyone. When I did, I got scared. I was afraid I'd get punished for telling. I saw him again in August and he tried his shit again. I pushed him away and it was the middle of the night and we were all alone. No one would hear me scream most likely. I was running away so I was pissed off already. I yelled at him and told him to fuck off. I wasn't taking his shit anymore. I walked off and he tried pinning me up against the wall. I could smell the alcohol on him, It reminded me of my step dad who had recently passed. I pushed him away and left but he insisted that he come along and "keep me safe". Bull. I would have been fine. Whatever though. My point is that I've been assaulted and molested more than once. And I'm not lying. It's really hard for me to write this. I was only able to do it because I know no one reads this and because I have to write it down to remind myself it happened and it was not a dream. I can't go into detail. Nor did I mention everything done. It's too much. And some I've just blocked out I guess. There's gaps. Mama doesn't even know about the last time. I can't talk about it. It's upsetting me. Therapist figured out which anxiety disorder I have now, Post-traumatic stress disorder... Would explain the panic attacks and my scabbed up bloody scalp... Fuck me... But I guess I was lucky... To an extent...

Arizona Lemon Tea

That's what I'm sipping right now. This crap is awesome.

Today was good but I failed. Majorly. First day of school. It was okay. I like it so far. Probably going to get in my ex's face tomorrow, just to cut him down, so he'll leave me and my friends(the very few I have) alone. Meh... Never in the back door kids. You'll be crying like a drowning baby. Painful? YES. Turn on? NOOOOOO!!! Most wretched thing in the world. Porn stars like it you say? Nope, they don't. They just like the money.

But I did get to be exposed we'll say to absolute just squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hehehehe I love him... Alot... Best part? He's all mine and I'm all his... Forever -victory dances-

I love him... so much... 

And then there was none

I'm lost please find me. I think I am. My head hurts and I keep ripping my nail off my thumb. I don't like it there, it makes me think of Autumn. I keep getting mad. Real mad. It's like I just don't care anymore. I'm cold and apathetic to everyone and everything. I want to see people get hurt. But I don't want to hurt some people. I want to hurt them. I feel bad. My head is so grey and foggy. I miss Luis. I feel normal and clear and calm when he's around. I need him. I want him. I don't like the voices. I can't tell anyone though. I have to keep quiet, or they'll send me away again cause they don't understand. They don't see them. That makes me sad. But I feel proud. Why? Because they chose me. They chose me and no one else. Because they picked me when I was little. They wanted to be MY friend. All mine. But they get mean and they hit me. I don't always understand why but I'm not supposed to, that's what Susan told me. They hurt me. And I cry and I get told to shut up. My friends hurt me. They didn't use to. But they got mean over the years. And quite a bit worse abruptly I think. But I'm not sure. I miss Luis. He keeps me safe. They're fucking with me again. Make them stop it. I'm getting upset. I don't like them. They scare me. Make them stop. Help me. But none of you can help me. None of you. I just want Luis. I don't want them to hurt Luis. They told me they're gonna. I begged them no. And they didn't touch him yet. Maybe they won't since I begged. My head is heavy. And it's all bruised up. And it bleeds sometimes, cause they hit me and pull my hair really hard. I throw up sometimes cause they punch me in the stomach and I smell bad things. And I see real bad things too, very bad things. They told me to carve Moma up like a turkey one day. But I don't want to. I ran away cause things get bad and I need Luis so I can breathe and sleep and be okay. I need to sleep but I can't. I'm too scared. I don't like this. But Luis is asleep and he can't help me anyways cause I scare him. I don't want to scare him. I want to make him happy and keep him safe. I'm confused about my location. Like where I am. Am I asleep? Or am I awake? I hear them. Always. No medicine can help me. I need Luis and I'll be okay. I'm not crazy. It's these damn pills and these demons. I hate this. I wanna see Luis. Please let me see Luis.