It's Fackin' Late

Dear anyone who has the patience to read my blog,

     Recently today was once again slapped in the face by life multiple times. Michael and Adriana still appear to be nonexistent. No calls, no texts, no answers, nor replies. The A/C unit next door still remains dormant, which means they aren't there. Not even an angry message finally explaining to me how the fuck I screwed up this time. Nothing. Adriana's phone seems to be out of service too. I checked by using my mom's phone, which confirmed that she didn't block my number. It's actually out of le service. Next I dialed Michael's number, and left a voice mail. Five seconds later, what do you know, he rings. Confusingly says hello, but I goofed up. I was talking in a creeper voice when I answered and then laughed hysterically when I recognized I sounded like a drag queen choking on jizz. Then, click, he hangs up. I called and left an apologetic voice mail, once again explaining the reason for bugging them.(Have some clothes for Adriana) Sent a text reading what was said in the second voice mail. Turned out I sent it to the wrong person... I sent it to Adriana, whose phone is currently unavailable. I deserve another dumbass award to add to my collection...

     Next on the agenda. My second little lover is also missing from my life. But it would look like he did text me a little while ago asking me who I was. Told him my name and sent him a picture. I then proceeded to ask if this was him. No answer. Hopefully he's okay and lost my number or something. Instead of having his phone stolen, being drunk, random person texting me. So hopefully, he's okay and we're okay. But I have a pretty good feeling he'll be back around pretty soon along with lover numbre uno. Whom still comes around every so often.

     Feeling pretty low. Bought some shit to cheer my stupid ass up. Worked a little. I'm really just lonesome. That's all. Well, that and insomnia. I just imagine I'm sleeping next someone or with more people. I honestly don't sleep well alone. I've always been like that since I was a baby, but it got additionally worse when I lived with my god-sister, since we always slept together. I hate being alone. I mean, I don't want to sleep with my mom though or Rodger. I'd be way happier with Adriana and Michael, or Shebly... God I miss her. You know? Like a close friend, someone that I favor. When I'm alone, I'm uncomfortable, I feel sick and upset, I'm restless, just a mess really. But when I'm sleeping with somebody(ies) I'm happy, content, and relaxed. I sleep well, I still have nightmares though(oh well, you can't have everything). Sadly though, pillows and resistant cats aren't the same. But combining them with imagination, music, sleeping pills, a full belly, and cosiness, it's okay for the most part as long as I don't think too hard and stay on the positive side of thinking.(Letting your mind race into bad thoughts and memories is no bueno)

     Well, I need to eat and sleep so I can be alive in the morning instead of the ever-so-irritable-menstrual-zombie. I'm done ranting for now. Cheers.


                                                      Thankies for readinz,
                                                      superanimay

Ex-Boyfriend Love

"why did you tell your ex that i raped you??

hmm?

he wanted to fight me till he saw me and realized i'd beat his ass like a drum

i know you can see what im saying to you it tells me that you've read it

whatever you druggie bitch go do meth and get fucked by beaners"

Lovely ex-boyfriend, no? Yep, sent me his love^^ over facebook. I'm rather upset by this and remembering his infamous history of being a douche-bag. He may look cute ladies, but he's a complete ass... I need to eat... Yuck, sauce-less pizza... Mazel tov everyone.

They won't let me sleep. Scratching on the walls all night. Tried to sit up, they hit me on the left side of my head. I texted a friend continuously begging for help. Result? Nothing. My head hurts, really, my entire body hurts. I've been pinned to the couch all night. Occasionally, they force me to the back of the couch on my side. Smells like something died. And that it decided to eat rotten eggs before it died. Lovely image, isn't it?

There's more. I have to go though. They said no more typing.

Empty

Oh lawd. I need you right now. You teased me goddammit! You evil man! Agh! Men, you are evil things... One minute you're all like,"You're so beautiful, I love you! You're so funny, I never thought I'd meet someone like you!" And Blah blah blah blah, I'ma touch yo boobies, blah blah sexy time, blah blee blah blooooooo, cuddle the rest of the night with occasional sexy time, blah blah play with your hair and speak lovies, etc. Oh gosh-frackin-mashed-potatoes, THEN you do the rubbing of the noses thingy! And you nibble on our ears! If that's not enough, you hug and hold us! You make us giggle until we can't breathe! Worst yet, we unwantingly fall in love with you! I hate that, and we think you feel the same or we're confused about how you feel. We hope that you feel the same, awwww hell, ya he does, remember last night! You were romantic and breathtaking. You were the best we'd ever have. We love you! We ADORE you, so much, all we think about is you. We get those butterflies and the idiotic-school-girl giggles!

Then, lalalalala, BOOM!!! You're gone... You never loved me, not one bit. I was stupid... What was I thinking? I've been through this before! More than once... And, it would appear that I obviously learned nothing. Otherwise, I wouldn't be crying and refusing to eat. I wouldn't feel like a whore. Not just a whore, but a brainless whore. A whore that could be outsmarted, and lose to dirt when playing Candyland. How do you lose at Candyland!? It requires no mental capacity what so ever! Just GAAAAH! ... But another thing is, will last night ever happen again? I mean, I know it was wrong but, you said it yourself, it felt so right. So, why couldn't we continue to play the game? I mean, if you want we can. That would be SO much better than living with you being just a memory. I had fun, and I want to live that night forever. But what happens if another one of you oh-so-lovable men come along while I'm having a fuss with the first? Would it be wrong for my heart to seemingly grow for him too?

But wait, I'm not supposed to love you... Now I'm back to square one. And what if you get your feelings hurt. It may serve you right for how you hurt me, but I can't do it... Not intentionally anyways, I want him too for a new close lover. Not just as a lover, but as a best friend just like you are. Now, I'm selfish. But it feels right! What the hell am I doing?! One of you will find out and I'll be even more of a whore to you! I haven't done it yet, but I want to. Besides, you said you only wanted one girl. You said you'd lay everything down for her, and let's face it Babe, she's not me. So, why do I have to play nicely? I'm nothing to you really. Just a blow-up doll. Nothing more. I'll be surprised if you can honestly call me friend.

There is another one of you though. He came before you, and regretted me, pushed me away. He broke me. And I had no right to feel hurt and betrayed. Because why? Because a heart already owned him. He has a family on the way. And what was I, you ask? A home-wrecker. Honey, it took two to tango. But you put all the shame on me! You came and took what you wanted, and I let you, repeatedly! Every single time, you pushed me away when you finished and looked at me with eyes filled with hate and regret. I'm your mistake now. Never a love... Just a nasty slut, a nasty, dirty MISTAKE. Hell, you'll never forget me, Baby. And I know this, but not because I'm telling myself that. I know. I don't want you to be that way. But, you proved it to me, Babe. You wanted me, and took me after you swore no more! Now, I'm added to, not just a nasty mistake anymore but a dirty little secret. Yet, I still wonder, almost hope, that you'll come back for more. I know you will. You always do. I always take you back though, with open arms. I always kiss you hello, I love you. Unwillingly. I want to be your best friend. I still love you even though, you hurt me. So much. I almost died for you, twice... Still, each time after, I ran back to you. All I thought about was you. I tried to replace you, forget about you. Erase the feelings, those nights, with you. Hello there, stranger.

I'm leaving a trail of lovers, men that I'd never figure to grab a hold of in my wildest dreams. I love it, being their lover as long as I can. Playing with their hair, nibbling their beards, and sharing secrets all night long. Feeling complete one man at a time. I think I might be building myself up, or setting a path to my own downfall. Either way, I'm going to change. For better or for worse, but I will change in the end. Right now, I found another one to add to my little love triangle.

I'm not trying to hurt any of them! I'm just lonely. And for once in my life, I'm loved. I feel amazing because of them. I hope they do too! Maybe, just maybe, one might keep me. I'll have someone to call my own. Someone I can look at and feel like I'm dreaming and I never want to wake up. Until then, I don't know. It's this or cutting. I refuse to fall back into depression! Fuck that shit! I'd rather feel that temporary grip on heaven. At least then I won't hear razors screaming at me. I'll love a man sooner than a razor. But I'll trust a razor sooner than a man. Funny isn't it...

Scars

Do I feel embarrassed because of my scars? "No, not at all", I'll tell you. That's a lie. I'm ashamed of them. They aren't pretty, they aren't a testimony, neither are they some kind of trophy that I can wear with pride to show you how tough I am. They are a weakness, they scare people that I love away, and they bury me with painful memories. Yes, they remind me of the things that I've lived through, but they never make me feel like I'm a survivor. Looking at them hurts, and they just initiate replays of the shame associated with each one and how they came into being. With each glance I regret my life and I know somehow I could have prevented all the suffering connected to me. Yes, they mock me, they laugh in my face, but I'm not going to cover them up. So, stare all you want, because I'm not hiding them, I'm not going to give in and let them rule over my life. I never asked for you to look, so don't act disgusted. Don't give me bullshit because you're appalled by my appearance, I'm not an attention whore. You probably are though, with the fit you throw. Not to be rude Sweetie, but you are the one causing a scene not me. And frankly, your kids aren't scared or upset, that's you. So, grow up, because you're the one who should be kept away from people, not me.

I Am Broken

     I feel like a mistake. I'm getting my depression pills changed from Celexa to Prozac. The reason why is that I'm having OCD symptoms and Prozac is supposed to help with that. The Doctor said it might be a tough switch, so my mom will have to watch me.(They're afraid I might become suicidal, little do they know) My room smells like nickles because my fingers and toes are bleeding. I grabbed a razor and carved off the tips and the cuticles. I bled all over my ugly pink pillow.

     I'm hearing voices, saying,"Soft and furless". I cut off all my nails so I can't scratch myself anymore. It feels awful. I hate this feeling. I was going to smoke today after school, but that was canceled. I was going to have a romantic afternoon with my boyfriend. Instead he got a blowjob and a quickie so he could cum, on my face... twice... FML

     I hate my fucking life. I hate it! I fucking loathe it into the depths of the earth! I have no one. I am nothing. I am but a useless piece of trash. 

I Feel So Alone

     Ever have one of those moments when you just want to cry, but you can't? Well, I'm having one right now. My boyfriend is in nonexistent mode at the moment. Which is oh, so lovely(sarcasm).

     Okay, so I've officially lost all my friends. I have no one to hang out with, no one to walk in the halls with or spend the night at their house. No one to paint each others nails with, no one to share secrets with, not even some one to say hi to me. I just feel so lonely. I'm constantly getting bullied at school. I mean seriously, what did I do to deserve this?! I am emotionally drained and it's painful. My life is like one of those bad dreams where you can't wake up even though you're screaming at the top of your lungs, "WAKE UP!". I'm in high school without friends. I'm getting beaten up to the point of being put in the emergency room and still getting suspended even though I NEVER touched the person. Everyone hates me... it hurts. I never did anything to anyone. Never. I thought this only happened to brats or assholes? I'm not talking. I'm not eating hardly. I think I'm getting dehydrated. I'm ashamed to be seen by people. I've picked holes in my skin and I'm covered in scars... I cut off all my hair when I ran away from home, so I look like a boy. I feel disgusting.

     I'm still with Luis. Thank God. Almost eight months now. It's all I've got left. I just want to die with Luis and go to a world just for him and me. With no worries, no sadness, nothing bad. Just he and I in love forever.